I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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