apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
