If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
