Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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