you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
