my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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