I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
