My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
