Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the liver wants what the liver wants
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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