I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
