If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
