They should really pass out barf bags in church
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
