thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
