I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
