there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
