I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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