Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Couch. On fire.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
