My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
