I puked a lego.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
