when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
