My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
