mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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