My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i love accidental penises.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
