I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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