they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
