I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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