i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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