I puked a lego.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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