your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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