hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
did you just send me my own nude
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
