I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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