So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
