I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
