i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
