So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
