My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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