I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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