i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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