your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
