You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
