his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
