She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
