Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
