mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
