You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
