she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
