My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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