Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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