im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
