We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
